Before I start...Sanjaya was kicked off. My roommate and me were pretty disappointed.
But now onto the big stuff:
Monday night I made sloppy joes (remember the sloppy joes I made in Cali Court?) and Tuesday when I got home I was really hungry and tired so I decided to have myself another sloppy joe. I didn't turn on the kitchen light so the only light was from the window. I grabbed a container (the exact container that I put my sloppy joe mix in) and put it in the microwave to heat it up. I threw it on a couple pieces of bread, sat down in front of the t.v. and ate. I noticed it tasted a little different but food sometimes tastes different when it sits in the fridge overnight so I ignored it and finished off the sandwich. A few hours later, after studying, I decided I wanted to eat the rest. I went into the kitchen and pulled out the container. This time I did look down and noticed that there were beans in my sloppy joe mix. That is when I realized that I am a complete idiot. I had grabbed my roommates refried beans that she had mixed with beef. That's right! I had a refried bean sandwich. I do not recommend it to anyone. Ever.
Do not ask why I didn't notice or why I went back for more. I don't know. All I know is that I will never think about refried beans the same way again.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Big Brother...get me out of here
Why is it that we are so fascinated with reality shows? I think it's the gawking we get to do without getting caught. My roommate and me have been watching "I'm a Celebrity...Get me out of here" and it is quite possibly the worst piece of trash on tv; yet I can't stop watching it. I have found a soft spot in my heart for almost all of the contestants on there; Holly Montag, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sanjaya Malakar, Patti Blagojevich, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley, and Torrie Wilson. I say contestants because "celebrity" is a bit of an overstatement. I of course hated Heidi and Spencer, and Janice Dickison. Unless of course she's taken her pills and it's a good day. Then I can atleast stand her.
I reccomend checking it out. After about an hour all your brain cells will be dead and you can fall asleep praying that Sanjaya gets to stay on.
I reccomend checking it out. After about an hour all your brain cells will be dead and you can fall asleep praying that Sanjaya gets to stay on.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Save it for the talk room
Haven't posted in a couple of days. It's been raining for a week here in Salt Lake. I, for once, am actually enjoying it. The thunderstorms have been fun; I've noticed I enjoy them more now that I'm older. When I was younger I was terrified of thunder and lighting. Anytime the ground shakes I'm scared (unless I'm asleep).
My parakeet, Charly, has been incredibly loud lately. He chirps whenever I leave the room. Actually he chirps if I lay down in a position he doesn't like. On my back is ok, but not on my side. At least he goes to sleep when I cover him. Of course some nights he likes to sing a little bit before he falls asleep but that's ok.
But I've definitely decided I'm not having kids. I have no patience for a little thing that constantly needs my attention. Thank goodness for Isaac and Tahlia. (I know what you're all thinking...I'll have kids one day. Just watch me not have kids...just out of spite!)
This is my roommate Jenna. We made Orange chicken the other night; it was pretty good.
That's all.
My parakeet, Charly, has been incredibly loud lately. He chirps whenever I leave the room. Actually he chirps if I lay down in a position he doesn't like. On my back is ok, but not on my side. At least he goes to sleep when I cover him. Of course some nights he likes to sing a little bit before he falls asleep but that's ok.
But I've definitely decided I'm not having kids. I have no patience for a little thing that constantly needs my attention. Thank goodness for Isaac and Tahlia. (I know what you're all thinking...I'll have kids one day. Just watch me not have kids...just out of spite!)
This is my roommate Jenna. We made Orange chicken the other night; it was pretty good.
That's all.
Monday, June 8, 2009
School's a joke
I'm writing a paper for one of my classes and I came across a Dave Barry column that I thought was really funny. I think we'll all appreciate this:
College Admissions, By Dave Barry.Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:• Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect phone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.• Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don’t ask me why - the names of three other metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most about. Here is a very important piece of advice: BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS AND RIGHT ANSWERS.This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wonder into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your results to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. For example, suppose you are studying _Moby-Dick_. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked _Moby-Dick_ anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.Studying dreams is more fun. I had one professor who claimed everything we dreamed about - tractors, Arizona, baseball, frogs - actually represented a sexual organ. He was very insistent about this. Nobody wanted to sit near him. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into a scientific sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observations of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
College Admissions, By Dave Barry.Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:• Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect phone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.• Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don’t ask me why - the names of three other metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most about. Here is a very important piece of advice: BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS AND RIGHT ANSWERS.This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wonder into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your results to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. For example, suppose you are studying _Moby-Dick_. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked _Moby-Dick_ anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.Studying dreams is more fun. I had one professor who claimed everything we dreamed about - tractors, Arizona, baseball, frogs - actually represented a sexual organ. He was very insistent about this. Nobody wanted to sit near him. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into a scientific sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observations of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Need some Magic
I'm watching the LA-Orlando game right now. What is it about Kobe Bryant that makes me so angry? I wish I could figure it out. Could it be his ugly face? Probably. Or his stupid smirk? Most likely. The fact that the NBA commentators think the world revolves around him? Definitely.
P.S I have a little bit of a crush on Dwight Howard. Could it be his broad shoulders? Probably. His smile and quiet demeanor? Most likely. The fact that he might lead Orlando to defeat the Lakers? Definitely.
My opinion is that if you can't play watch it with a passion. And by the size of the headache I have right now I'm really passionate.
P.S I have a little bit of a crush on Dwight Howard. Could it be his broad shoulders? Probably. His smile and quiet demeanor? Most likely. The fact that he might lead Orlando to defeat the Lakers? Definitely.
My opinion is that if you can't play watch it with a passion. And by the size of the headache I have right now I'm really passionate.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Chick cancer
It's an overcast day in Salt Lake today and I'm going to blame it on the clouds for my lack of creativity. A couple of weeks ago Cyndi thought it would be a good idea for me to start a blog and now that I have, I have absolutely nothing to write.
So I've turned to Dave Barry for help... or I would if I could get back on his site.
Regardless I'm sure I can think of something funny to say.
This isn't from me but it will make you laugh and possibly think
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
-George Carlin
So I've turned to Dave Barry for help... or I would if I could get back on his site.
Regardless I'm sure I can think of something funny to say.
This isn't from me but it will make you laugh and possibly think
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
-George Carlin
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